What Is Your Style of Relating: Secure or Insecure?
Consider which of these 3 styles of relating you use and how to become more secure.
By Audrey Hardin, MS LPC
The way we relate to other people says a lot about us.
Have you ever considered the message you send about who you are, just by the way you interact with the people in your life?
The way we engage with others reveals the truth about how we feel in the relationship:
1. Secure
2. Insecure
In life, we can experience both secure and insecure relationships depending on the people and environment we are in.
For instance, some people “trigger us” more than others, leading us into an insecure dynamic, while others help us to feel safe and valued. We relate differently depending on how we feel.
In a SECURE relationship, we feel free to be who we are and trust that the person on the other end will accept us, respect us, and with more intimate relationships -love us.
In an INSECURE relationship, we don’t fully trust. Usually because of the evidence we carry with us from past relationships that harmed us or from which we felt deep pain.
2 Insecure Styles of Relating:
1. One-Up
2. One-Down
When we operate from a place of insecurity, we tend to relate by choosing a one-up position or a one-down position in our interactions with others.
Our fears of feeling rejected, humiliated, misunderstood, overwhelmed, and alone drive us to choose an insecure position where we consequently hide our true and authentic self.
We’ve all experienced these painful emotions at some point in our lives, and our brain works hard to prevent any more pain from happening again.
The insecure relating styles will protect us momentarily, but they also block us from deep, healing connection with others.
ONE-UP:
This person has an inflated view of self which aims to protect them from abandonment, insignificance, and harm. They feel most comfortable holding the power in the relationship.
Now before you write off the one-up person as a narcissist, think again. One up relating doesn’t mean narcissism. It can be in the name of being good, strong, helpful, and knowledgeable.
If you live in America and hustle culture, we all have the tendency towards the one-up. We work hard and get rewarded to achieve and to know. In turn, we rarely risk feeling vulnerable, because –look at all I have to offer. As a result, we begin elevating ourselves above others without even realizing it.
“I work hard; I have a lot going on; I’m a big deal; I know more; people need me; I have a lot to offer you; Oh, I would never do that; I’m always great at this; I never struggle with that; etc…”
All these mindsets can promote a one-up relating style with others because it elevates self slightly above others.
The subconscious belief: If I up my value and stay in a one-up position, I can dismiss any threats or challenges from the person I’m interacting with.
ONE DOWN:
This person has a deflated view of self to protect them from hurt, but also to invite rescue which helps secure their position in the relationship. They operate from a powerless position inviting the people around them to feel more powerful.
They move through life always apologizing and admitting how bad or defective they are as if to beat you to the punch. They do so in hopes that the person with power won’t dismiss or reject them but protect and rescue them.
The subconscious belief: If I’m one-down, I’m closer to the ground, so I know where I’m landing and there’s always the hope that someone will feel sorry for me and pull me up…
Both insecure styles keep our authentic selves in hiding, i.e. our authentic thoughts, feelings, beliefs and desires. Therefore….
The very thing we try to avoid, we get. …We get labeled, we get rejected, we get misunderstood and knocked down. People end up moving away from us or abusing us.
SECURE, EYE TO EYE RELATING:
Eye to eye relating is when both people feel equally valued and approach each other from a safe and secure position.
We are most likely to choose this style when we feel safe to tell the truth about who we are and invite others to do the same.
Perhaps the truth about many one-ups is that we feel insecure about our identity and position and that causes us to compensate and justify our actions.
Perhaps the truth about many one-downs is that they feel so defective and beyond help that there is no way someone could see all of who they are and accept them, so they never risk it.
The goal instead of compensating for our fears, is to be honest about them.
Looking someone in the eye definitely feels more vulnerable, but when he or she looks back with kindness and acceptance -the reward is great.
Where do I go from here?
If you want more eye-to-eye relationships, you’ve got to be willing to either lower your defenses and offer more of your real self, or believe in the value that God created you with and take a step forward to show your real self with others. Both require taking an honest inventory of yourself and your relationships.
Bear in mind that not all relationships will be eye-to-eye because the person on the other end is simply not safe. So, take time to examine the character of the person you’re interacting with. Do not assume but objectively observe their actions and trustworthiness. If all checks out, begin lowering your defenses and inviting them to do the same.
Healthy relationships are eye-to-eye.
Consider how you have not brought your real, whole, authentic self into the relationship and prevented the deeper, healing relationships you desire.
The eye-to-eye relationship invites us to be more authentic: to acknowledge both our strengths and weaknesses, successes and failures; beauty and shame all to co-exist.
There is power in feeling free to be real.
When we relate eye-to-eye, we invite authenticity from others: we believe the best in them and treat one another with dignity. We show up with our whole selves and trust if something needs to change in the relationship or if someone isn’t safe, it isn’t because we were hiding or faking it.
The truth surfaces more quickly when we are real, not hiding.
When you notice yourself relating with an insecure style, simply notice it and trust that with.a couple of tweaks, you can work up to eye-to-eye.
Remember, God is the one who provides our firm foundation where safety and value meet.
For more on this topic, read Henry Cloud and John Townsend’s book: Safe People.
Audrey Hardin is a Therapist, Speaker, and Workshop Leader at Hardin Life Resources in Dallas and McKinney, TX.
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