How to Guarantee Your Child's Success at School
"No significant learning can occur without a significant relationship."
Emily Patterson, LCSW, PIP
"No significant learning can occur without a significant relationship."
-James Comer, MD, MPH
What do kids need to be happy and successful in their school endeavors?
How can I make this school year less stressful for my family?
Leading experts in Education and Child Psychology tell us that the number one need isn't intelligence, diligence or obedience: it’s CONNECTION. This means having a positive relationship with a caring adult.
What does CONNECTION look like?
In order to thrive, kids need a positive relationship with both the people involved in their learning and to the materials and experiences of the learning task.
Having an adult who makes it safe to express any and all emotions, including anger, frustration, shame, annoyance, sadness, and excitement helps provide this positive relationship.
When kids express their feelings, the adult needs to recognize this as a normal part of human development and human experience, and not something that needs to be fixed or changed.
Bottom line: We validate their feelings so that they feel seen and heard, and then try to problem solve with them if they ask for help.
3 Ways to Connect With Your Kids:
1. Offer encouragement for efforts, regardless of outcomes.
We need to reward the energy and effort that a child puts into their work, rather than only offering praise when the child brings home A’s or makes the All-Star team.
This looks and sounds like, “I can see how proud you are of yourself that you aced that spelling test.” Or “I can tell you’ve been putting in so much effort at practicing; I love how dedicated you are to doing your best.”
2. Allow them to feel frustration and dislike for unpleasant tasks.
It’s ok to acknowledge and normalize the fact that WORK ISN’T ALWAYS FUN and NO ONE REALLY WANTS TO DO IT.
Remember the last time you sat through a meeting that could have been an email? Even adults struggle with getting up early for work, getting through days when we’re tired or not feeling our best, dealing with people we dislike at work, and dealing with tough bosses. We need to offer the same grace to our children when they complain and whine about getting up for school, “mean” teachers, and dumb busy work.
3. Model that it’s ok to make mistakes.
“I was really hard on you last year about your grades. I’m sorry if I made you feel like you weren’t trying hard enough. I’m proud of you and all your hard work, and I want to be more supportive this year.”
“Oops! That horse I drew doesn’t look like a horse at all. It looks like a funny dog. I’m going to keep trying until I get it right.”
“Aargh! I lost my temper again. Looks like mommy is feeling especially grumpy today. I think I need to take a time out and calm down.”
Having caregivers and teachers who possess an understanding of how children develop is fundamental to their learning and growth.
Brad Weinstein, Educator and Author, reminds us that
“Students are not adults. They need help with time management, study skills, prioritizing tasks, social skills, character development, etc. Instead of assuming immaturity or irresponsibility, assume they need help.”
Become Your Child’s Biggest Advocate
1. Be willing to study your child and figure out what they need to learn effectively.
Maybe they need frequent breaks for movement and allow them to do homework in short spurts.
Maybe they need music to focus, or maybe they think better late at night.
Middle and High Schoolers often have circadian rhythm changes that turn them into night owls. They may have greater success at completing their assignments after taking a rest break during the afternoon and working on their homework after dinner. This may not necessarily be procrastination—it might just be their brains being more active later in the evening.
2. Don’t be afraid to have your child or teen tested for ADHD or learning disabilities at ANY AGE.
As a child and teen therapist, I meet undiagnosed ADHD teens all the time who have struggled through school for years, not realizing that there are strategies and medications out there which could help them succeed and maybe learn to dislike school a little bit less.
3. Teach your child not to overcommit with their extracurricular activities.
I meet with kids regularly who talk about the stress of doing travel teams plus multiple sports, theater practices, gymnastics meets, or dance rehearsals. And they still have to keep up with homework as well! We live in a culture that celebrates high achievement and industriousness, but we need to model how to structure in time for rest and relaxation.
Children especially need time for free play and unstructured socialization. It’s during these unstructured opportunities that they are building the most social skills and emotional intelligence-- not while doing homework, extra softball meets, or in a therapist’s office.
I hope these tips come in handy for building a stronger connection with your student. I’m wishing all the families out there a great start to the school year! Remember:
“Every child deserves a champion. An adult who will never give up on them, who understands the power of connection and insists they can become the best they can possibly be.”
-Educator Rita Pierson
Emily Patterson works as a Licensed Clinical Social Worker and Counselor with Joyworks Counseling, LLC in Daphne, AL.
For more on this topic and others, subscribe to our Newsletter to get our newest blog and workshop schedule at the bottom of the page.
Click below to SHARE with a friend: