A Book Review of "The Grieving Brain: The Surprising Science of How We Learn from Love and Loss"
A neuroscientist’s research on how grief shows up in the brain invites us into more compassion and hope on our grief journeys.
By Deborah Hopkins, MS ALC and IASIS Certified Provider
“Why does grief hurt so much?”
This question is the foundation for the work, research and writing of Dr. Mary-Frances O’Connor, author of The Grieving Brain and Director of the Grief, Loss and Social Stress Lab (GLASS) at the University of Arizona. O’Connor.
As a pioneering neuroscientist, she wanted to understand what happens in the brain when we grieve. It’s no surprise that O’Connors professional interest and pursuit is deeply rooted in her own experience of loss. While she clearly states this is not a book of practical advice, her work offers a unique and well researched perspective on what happens in our brains when we grieve.
Her research can help all of us because death and loss (of all kinds) are inevitable. It’s one of the most fundamental experiences of being human.
So is our deep need for attachment and connection.
O’Connor explains how we live in two worlds at once. We have our actual physical world and the virtual world in our minds.
Stop for just a moment and consider where the people you love most are right now. You probably have some idea of their actual location. Our brains are comforted when we know how to get to the people close to us. This is part of our attachment bond and when it's disrupted by death, our entire system finds it incredibly stressful. Grief is interpreted by the body as stress.
O’Connor says, “A key problem in grief is that there is a mismatch between the virtual map we always use to find our loved ones, and the reality, after they die, that they can no longer be found in the dimensions of space and time. The unlikely situation that they are not on the map at all, the alarm and confusion that this causes, is one reason grief overwhelms us.” (O’Connor, 2022 p.9)
Another helpful discovery she mentions is the stress signals in our bodies take time to adjust.
O’Connor’s research helps bring clarity to why: elevated blood pressure, sleep disruptions and reduced immune function are all typical in the bodies of grievers.
Grief is physically and emotionally taxing. Maybe this is why we refer to grieving as “work” and we know feeling better doesn't happen overnight.
We have all heard “time heals all wounds” but it turns out, it's really learning that helps us feel better.
“Because learning is unrelated to our intentions, the brain is learning the real contingencies of the world, even when we are ignoring them or do not consciously notice them. Your brain continues to note the fact that your loved one is no longer present day after day and uses that information to update its predictions about whether they will be there tomorrow. That is why we say that time heals. But actually, it has less to do with time and more to do with experience.”(O'Connor, 2022 p 21)
It is worth noting, most of us have little training or experience in dealing with grief. But, we’ve certainly been influenced by messages we’ve received from home and media.
I’ve heard many in the “world of grief-care” refer to the signs posted in England after the blitz “Keep Calm and Carry On” as one culture example of how the implied message is clear: tuck it in and keep moving. Minimize, keep it to yourself, don't let your emotions get the better of you. These are all messages grievers often receive. This has only been compounded by the world of mental health professionals creating diagnoses that suggest grief persisting longer than six months is a clinically diagnosable problem.
We live in a pain-avoidant, quick-fix culture and grief doesn’t play by any of those rules which often leaves grievers feeling bewildered and alone.
The Church
In light of our quick-fix culture, leaving grievers with nowhere to turn, the church has a beautiful opportunity to create space and welcome for grievers as the pain of loss takes time to heal.
As believers, we know we grieve with hope (1 Thessalonians 4:13). But, still, we do very much grieve. Jesus himself was acquainted with grief (Isaiah 53:3) and wept over his dear friend Lazarus when he heard of his death (John 11:35).
Scripture reminds us again and again how the Lord is close to the brokenhearted (Psalm 34:18) and we cling to the promise that one day, He will wipe every tear because death will be no more (Revelation 21:4). Until that day, the Lord invites us, his church, to be the loving embrace and patient presence to the brokenhearted. 2 Corinthians 1:3-5 says,
“ Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, 4 who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. 5 For as we share abundantly in Christ's sufferings, so through Christ we share abundantly in comfort too.”
O’Connors book is neither prescriptive nor formulaic so there are no bullet points to turn to for grief care recommendations.
There is no “one size fits all” but the gift of this book is a deeper biological understanding and clarity on a topic that often feels confusing.
“The most reliable predictor of good mental health is having a large toolkit of strategies to deal with one’s emotions and deploying the right strategy at the right time.”(O’Connor, 2022, p.134)
Her work reminds us that grieving is a form of learning and our brains are exquisitely designed to do just that. God created our bodies to heal when a bone breaks. So too, our hearts and minds.
Our brains help us understand our current reality and make it possible for us to both miss our loved ones who have died and restore a life of meaning.
Her work displays how our attachment needs for meaningful relationships are responsible for much of grief’s pain, but, relational connections can also be part of healing.
Whether you are grieving a loss or you are grief adjacent, making sense of the biology of grief gives a clearer picture of God’s resilient design and opens the door to more compassionate grief support and care.
Deborah Hopkins is an ALC and IASIS Certified Provider in Fairhope, Alabama. Learn more about her services and if Neurofeedback is right for you by visiting, Neurofloursh.
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