What is a Biblical Approach to Raising Emotionally Intelligent Kids?

We have a special opportunity to gift our children with the ability to share and manage emotions in a Godly manner.

By Emily Simon, LCSW, PIP

Teaching about emotional intelligence is rarely something I see discussed explicitly in Christian parenting books.

But practically, having high emotional intelligence results in children who are empathetic, self-controlled, and respectful.

God created us in His image, and God’s emotions are revealed throughout the scriptures; therefore, God created us as emotional beings. We feel joy, love, happiness, guilt, anger, disappointment, discouragement, fear, etc. Unfortunately, our emotions, like our minds, bodies, and relationships, are all tainted by fall of mankind.

Sometimes our expressions of emotions are pleasant, and sometimes not. Sometimes our feelings are grounded in truth, and other times, they’re grounded in our pride or self-pity. Regardless, emotions are powerful and real to the one feeling them. We have the awesome opportunity to gift our children with the ability to manage emotions in a Godly manner.

Here are a few suggestions:

1. Let your feelings show –Along with a Godly reaction.

Children need to witness their parents experiencing the normal range of human emotions, while still reacting to these in a Godly way. It is important that we learn how to manage our own emotional range without allowing our emotions to manage us.

When we feel anger towards our children, we need to take time to examine our hearts and determine why we feel angry, then proceed in a biblical manner. As parents, our out-of-control emotions don’t usually produce God-honoring results in our children: “Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger; for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God” (James 1:19-20).

Remember that children will identify with and often emulate the emotional style of their same gender parent. Normalize that everyone experiences emotions, regardless of gender. Let them see you crying, feeling angry, feeling relieved, etc., and bringing those feelings to God in prayer when needed.

2. Share Your Burdens.

The Christian life is not meant to be lived alone. God has given us the gift of other believers who can share our burdens and whose burdens we take on. We need to preach the gospel to our children daily by giving them safe space to share their burdens with us. This includes reflecting and validating their emotions and feelings, even during times when we might disagree with their reactions or behaviors.

Instead of immediately reacting angrily when a child whines or isn’t obedient, remain neutral and remember a time when you felt similarly. For example: “I feel really disappointed when I don’t get my way too, and it makes me angry that I can’t have what I want.”

A simple validating statement is an excellent way to show that you feel their pain and disappointment too. Sharing their burden of disappointment is not the same as agreeing with their behavior.

3. Connect, then Redirect.

When a child is expressing an emotion along with an annoying behavior, we may feel the “righting reflex” coming on: the urge to fix the problem through logic. But logic doesn’t calm emotions—empathy and validation do.

Discussions about appropriate behavior can come later—after the child feels seen, heard and valued. Connect with the child through identifying their feelings about the situation. Once their feelings have words wrapped around them, the child may be able to use their own logic to resolve the issue, an important step in building problem-solving skills!

4. Label your feelings.

Similarly, you can ask your children to help share your burdens too. Label your own feelings aloud and let them know what you need. “I feel angry and frustrated when I hear you two fighting. I feel like I want to scream! I’m going to take a time out and settle down, and then we’ll talk about it.”

If you realize that this might be a difficult task for you due to trouble identifying your own feelings, print out a list of feeling words to help you pick out the right ones. Acknowledge that sometimes feelings can be layered. Have fun making up your own names for your child’s layered feelings, like “sad-mad” or “nervous-cited”.

5. Be Intentional about finding opportunities for teaching emotions and responses.

Point out names of emotions that you see in TV, Movies or real life. Note if the person is handling something well or poorly, and ask your child if they can think of a better way to get their feelings out.

6. Play silly games where you practice saying things in different tones of voice.

Sometimes we complain about our children being whiny or rude, but in reality, the child is completely unaware of how their voice sounds. Practice saying innocuous phrases in a happy voice, a sleepy voice, a polite voice, an angry voice, a whiny voice, a rude voice, a mean voice or any other tones that your child needs enhanced awareness.

Allow your child to label and imitate voices that you need to work on as a parent as well! Play this game incorporating your own silly faces, or use stuffed animals, action figures, or whatever else the child enjoys. Make sure you include the word label for the voices so that they will learn to understand what you mean when you ask for them to “be polite” or “be respectful.”

This activity is best done when the child is in a relaxed mood, not in the heat of a disagreement. If you practice it when you are having fun together, you can playfully incorporate your “voices” later when it’s time for redirection. 

Finally, the best way to raise emotionally intelligent children is by working towards becoming an emotionally intelligent parent.

For additional resources on teaching emotional intelligence, I highly suggest Parenting from the Inside Out by Daniel Siegel. This book will help you learn to recognize how you have been influenced by your own parents, how certain behaviors may trigger you more than others, and how you can build a restorative relationship through your own parenting.

Emily Simon works as a Licensed Clinical Social Worker and Counselor with Joyworks Counseling, LLC in Daphne, AL.

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