Top 3 Patterns Men Get Stuck In and How to Get Out

“Men, we must learn to see the problem, face the problem, and attack the problem to be the men God designed us to be!”

By Philip K. Hardin, M.A., M. Div., LMFT, LPC

“Never trust a therapist that has not done his own work.”

I have heard that said and I have repeated it many times. That quote reminds me of the patterns that I have had to personally face to gain control of my own life and be able to be fully present to help hundreds of men that God has brought my way. I am often reminded that the enemy attacks me from within … my thoughts, my fears, and the intrusive “stinkin thinkin” that haunts me every day is where I fight the enemy’s attacks against me.

Three issues that I face each day and that I have observed in hundreds of other men through more than 30 years of ministry to men. These issues are unwanted and often even an area of unawareness.

Men are SO UNAWARE! We want to fix, kill, and deny what is inhibiting or prohibiting our ability to develop healthy, intimate relationships.

Men, we must learn to see the problem, face the problem, and attack the problem to be the men God designed us to be!  

I suggest 3 areas that men must face to be the man God designed us to be:

PASSIVITY

Since the time of Adam, men have struggled with passivity. Scripture appears to expose Adam’s passivity in Genesis 3:6 – The Message: “When the Woman saw that the tree looked like good eating and realized what she would get out of it—she’d know everything!—she took and ate the fruit and then gave some to her husband, and he ate.” Adam said nothing! He seems to have been present while the Serpent filled Eve with lies and enticed her with the fruit. Adam was passive!

A passive man will find reasons in his mind to reject the biblical responsibility God has placed on him to pursue and lead. He will blame and criticize others, often women, for his problems. He will make excuses of why he can’t risk getting rejected. And he will put unbiblical demands on God to give him extremely supernatural signs in the sky to show him to take a very small step of faith. When God does not give in to these lavish demands for signs, a passive man will feel justified to do nothing.

A passive man will not risk.

In my book, Lions Were Born to Roar, we call a passive man a Turtle. A Turtle overplays safety. He is committed to “NOT” vs “WHAT.” “NOT” rules his life—I will NOT hurt, be rejected, or open to another for fear of suffering.  

AVOIDANCE 

Men are chronic avoiders. Anything that creates discomfort to a man will often be avoided. Someone said, “Those whose lives are ruled by fear ironically avoid what is necessary to remove it.” Fear creates avoidance.

Avoidance is all too often the default mode of men whose lives are ruled by fear, and sadly there are a lot of Christian men out there living this way.   Fear causes men to avoid facing their wife when they behave immorally.   Fear causes a man to put up with and avoid dealing with his addictive behavior.  Fear causes a man to avoid going to the doctor. Fear causes men to even avoid going to church or being involved in community, for fear of being reminded they need to change their broken lives.  And when fear is combined with guilt and shame, a man is lost and will move toward isolation.

Men, avoidance is a manifestation of the fear factor in your life, and if you let that monkey ride on your back, it will rule and ruin your life.   And the sad truth is that avoidance very seldom solves any problems at all.  It just kicks the can a bit further down life’s road, but then later, there it is, still in your way of moving forward.

Ask yourself today: ‘What am I avoiding saying or doing for all the wrong reasons? 

ANGER

Anger is a bad protector. It is often the only emotion that a man will feel. Anger is a secondary emotion, meaning what is underneath the anger is far more significant. Emotions like hurt, loss, and fear lies beneath the anger.

Men use anger as a defense from feeling like a failure as a protector, provider, and lover. These experiences of vulnerability can be stimulated by the mere unhappiness or displeasure of our wife, even if her distress or negative states have nothing to do with us. Men are likely to blame their sense of failure and the feelings of inadequacy it stimulates on others, especially our wife. Blame gives us status as a victim. Victimhood gives us a temporary sense of self-righteousness, along with a retaliation impulse, which, in turn, stimulates anger.

Anger can make you react negatively if left unchecked; it’s anger that makes some men physically violent towards women. It’s anger that makes some men cheat in relationships. Anger can be very destructive, not only for you but for those in your orbit.

Reminder: You cannot control how people choose to treat you. You can’t make them not be racist; you can’t make them treat you with respect and you can’t make adults be faithful in a relationship or feel what you feel when they abuse that trust, lie or mistreat you.

What Being a Christian Man Means 

I offer three antidotes to the unwanted patterns I have addressed. I believe men are called to do three things:

1. INITIATE

Men initiate, women respond. Briefly, biblical support for this position is found, among other passages, in the creation order in Genesis 2, in I Corinthians 11:7-9, and Ephesians 5. To initiate is to be wise about setting a pattern that will serve you well in all areas of your life. Areas to initiate growth in are physical, emotional, relational, and spiritual.

2. TAKE RESPONSIBILITY

God intended men to be “Response-Able.” We need to be like First Responders—we run to the fire. Stop the blame game and find power in personal responsibility and ownership.  Live in reality. Own your part of the relationship rupture and bring the ministry of reconciliation to the world.  

3.  FIGHT

A Man knows he must fight—life is a life and death matter. We need to know how to “fight for” vs. “fight with.” God is a warrior (Exodus 15:5). We need to be like our heavenly Father. We are meant to be fighters for truth and for those we love and that love us.  You are good at sin! = Seven deadly sins: envy, greed, lust, anger, sloth, gluttony, and pride. The longer creation exists in a state of separation from God, the effects of that separation become more and more clear.

I close with the words of I Corinthians 16:13…

“Be watchful, stand firm in the faith, act like men, be strong.”

Ride ON!

Phil

 For more on this topic, click here to visit our Youtube Channel

Phil Hardin works as a Licensed Professional Counselor and Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist with Hardin Life Resources practicing in both Jackson, MS and Fairhope, AL.

Click below to SHARE with a friend: