4 Steps to Navigating Your Season of Singleness Well

“Whether you’re single as in ‘never married’; single due to divorce or death; or you know someone in this season and feel clueless with how to encourage them –this is for you!”

By Audrey Hardin, MS LPC

By Audrey Hardin, MS LPC

If you find yourself single, it’s easy to believe that something is wrong. If you know someone in your life who is single, you may have similar thoughts and tried to help “fix” it. After all, that is the narrative of our culture –especially in the church and in the south: It is better to be married and if you’re not, something is wrong, and we don’t really have a place for you.

With every passing year, each breakup seems harder too. After my most recent breakup, I found myself on the cusp of some exciting career opportunities that involved travel and networking –doing things I loved. I remember meeting a very prestigious group in my field, and as I shared more about myself, there was this moment of extreme vulnerability, discontentment, and grief. “I never sought out to be a career woman,” I thought to myself. I longed to be in a new season with my life partner. This felt far from it.

The longing I felt is a longing built into the heart of every human being. A longing to be connected to someone, to share your life with them. In Genesis 2:18, God himself says, “It is not good for man to be alone.”

“Single” does not equal “Alone”

We were created for connection and intimacy –to be fully seen, known, and loved for who we are. I, like many of us, can fall into the trap thinking that the only way to experience this intimacy is through marriage. However, marriage does not guarantee intimacy and connection. It takes work! And we have an opportunity in this season to dive in and experience intimacy in knowing God more deeply, ourselves, and others! We don’t have to wait for marriage.  

When we confuse singleness with aloneness, we tend to spend our energy trying to get out of this season, and when we do, we miss out on what God wants to do IN it.

4 Steps to Maximizing Your Single Season

STEP 1: Own Your Desires

We’ve got to be honest about what we want. In order to do that, you’ve got to be intentional about spending time with yourself. In Jesus’ ministry, before healing, he first asked what the person who came to him wanted. He engaged him in relationship. Engage your heart! Become more self-aware. Get honest!

“I want to be married.” “I want a life partner.” “I want deeper friendships.” “I want a father/mother for my kids.” “I want to be a mom/dad.” “I want out of this pain.” “I want healing, freedom, wisdom, etc. 

STEP 2: Lay Your Desires Down 

In this life, we are not guaranteed the life we want or to get the solutions to our problems that we come up with. I know, this can be a hard pill to swallow.

Mark 8:35  “If you try to hang on to your life, you will lose it. But if you give up your life for my sake and for the sake of the Good News, you will save it.”

Just like Christ laid down his life for us to save us from eternal separation from him, He asks us to lay down our life, our desires, for Him.

Only here have I experienced deep intimacy, contentment, and freedom –when I stop trying to replace him with something this world has to offer and trust him to be enough to meet those longings.

Let’s not forget: surrendering our desires doesn’t mean we do it once and we are good to go. No, this is a DAILY sacrifice to say, “not my will Lord, but yours alone.”

STEP 3: Practice Gratitude 

Giving thanks is commanded ALL throughout the Bible [1 Thessalonians 5:14]. Even brain scientists have repeatedly validated its transformational power on our mood and outlook on life.

There is not a formula to getting what we want from God, (look at the life of Job!) but there is a “formula” for what to do when we are not getting it.

It’s not about doing it “right” or being enough or something being wrong with you or the world…–it’s about how God wants to use the season you are in to give you more than you can ask or imagine. Right now, he’s doing that!

For example, I’ve had two serious relationships that exemplified the life I thought I wanted –marriage, kids, etc. Looking back though, God wanted to give me more than the life that I wanted. Not that those desires were bad, I just struggled to see beyond them to experience the emotional, relational, and spiritual growth he wanted to do in me that being married would not have given me. I would not be the person I am today without God’s redirection –thank you, Lord!

The truth I continuously remind myself of is –If God wanted me to be married, I would be. Therefore, I’m not missing out and can thank him for the season I’m in.

I can thank him by trusting and seeking his will. “Lord, what are you teaching me right now? What adventure are you leading me to?” “Thank you that you are in control, and I can trust you.” “Thank you that no time is wasted in God’s economy.”

Thank Him for what he is teaching you, how he is protecting you, and sanctifying you!

STEP 4: Be an Active Participant in Your Life 

As with anything that we acknowledge we want, we need to engage in life in order to get it. If you want to get married, for example, you need to date. The Lord is not going to bring him/her to your doorstep –unless he/she is the UPS man. (via Dr. Henry Cloud’s book, How to Get a Date Worth Keeping) 

Scripture is clear on this even in us knowing the Lord. Jeremiah 29:13 “You will seek me and find me when you SEEK me with ALL YOUR HEART.”

Hosea 6 “Let us PRESS ON to acknowledge Him –for as sure as the sun rises, He will appear!”

A clear step to take in singleness is to BUILD + RE-BUILD YOUR COMMUNITY.

Singleness is a transient and transitional time, therefore it’s important to actively pursue community –people you want to do life with. Whether it’s your church, neighborhood, or a group with a common interest or hobby, make the effort to pursue life-giving relationships.

We can learn so much more by living life and pursuing the things we want than we ever could by sitting on the sidelines.

Failure to do any of these 4 steps always results in unnecessary suffering, bitterness, and resentment towards God and others. Trust me. I’ve been there too and can be tempted some days to go back there.

I encourage you instead to press into this season, embrace the relationships and opportunities the Lord has for you today, while remembering the truth that you are never alone!

Hebrews 13:5 “Never will I leave you, never will I forsake you.”

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Audrey Hardin is a Therapist, Speaker, and Workshop Leader at Hardin Life Resources in Dallas and McKinney, TX.

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