3 Steps to Repair Your Relationships this Valentines Day

By Philip K. Hardin, MA, MDiv, LMFT, LPC

Valentine’s Day…

It occurs every February 14th. Across the United States and in other places around the world, candy, flowers and gifts are exchanged between loved ones, all in the name of St. Valentine. The history of Valentine’s Day—and the story of its patron saint—is shrouded in mystery.

We do know that February has long been celebrated as a month of romance, and that St. Valentine’s Day, as we know it today, contains vestiges of both Christian and ancient Roman tradition.

This year, consider seeing Valentine’s Day as an invitation to restore joy and peace in your marriage but also in your close relationships. Let it be a time to assess how well you live out an intimate, healing relationship and repair the ruptures when they occur.

Isaiah 58:12 says:

“And those among you will rebuild the ancient ruins;

You will raise up the age-old foundations;

And you will be called the repairer of the breach,

The restorer of the streets in which to dwell.”

Raise Up! Repair! Restore!

God’s in the business of Repairing & Restoring!

Relationship Ruptures

What happened the last time you had an argument with your partner? What did you feel? How did you experience hurt or emotional pain?

Pain is often the experience of the loss of connection during and after an argument. There is a rupture that is in need of repair.

Do you know how to repair the rupture?

When you feel disconnected from your partner, feelings like anxiety and fear of abandonment are often activated. These feelings can cause emotional pain that may even evolve into physical symptoms, such as headaches, back pain, and digestive issues. Depression or anger may hi-jack your brain and you begin to experience distress that is rooted in the loss of connection.

The roots of these feelings began when you were an infant. Your life began with three critical needs: the need to be connected, the need to trust, and the need to depend on another for your life.

The bottom line of your life was “If my needs are met, I am valuable. If no one cares for me, I die!”

When you were new to this world, that thought pattern was deeply embedded in your subconscious mind. If your needs were further neglected in later childhood years, the thought pattern is even more significant. That pattern still operates in your subconscious mind when you feel a threat to your relationship connection.

After a difficult argument, somewhere the old pattern fires: “If no one cares for me, I die!” Deep inside, you may feel abandoned, neglected, and alone.

If you don’t repair the rupture, secondary pain from fears of abandonment and neglect will have long term, negative effects on your relationship.

Therefore, we need a map to get us to a place of repair in our relationships.

Follow these steps to restoration:

1. Ownership

Accept responsibility for your behavior and allow room for the other to do whatever they choose to do.

The first step is to be willing to see your part. Look inward FIRST to avoid blame and criticism of the other. Stop trying to change or control the other person, instead humble yourself. Humility is the fertile soil for new growth.

You might even say: “I want to take responsibility for hurting you with my criticism. When I criticized you, I think you may have felt unloved and unimportant. I’m sorry I hurt you, and I will work harder to think before I speak. I know my behavior has caused you a rupture in our relationship, and I want to repair it. I’m open to hearing what you have to say so I can make things better.”

2. Change

Do the work you need to do on yourself.

Stop pointing the finger, blaming and complaining about the other person. Take responsibility to engage in mature behavior, rather than acting like an infant, waiting on someone else to meet your needs. You are no longer a baby! Let go of your need to be right.

Take steps toward your emotional growth by seeking environments that promote vulnerability, honesty, and objectivity such as a therapist, workshop or recovery group —especially when you feel stuck in the same pattern of behavior that is hurting your relationships.

3. Respect

Seek to understand your partner’s position rather than trying to be understood.

Listen to his or her feelings, even if there’s lots of blame or criticism toward you. Contain his/her hurt and sit with it. You will not die by showing your partner that you can hear his/her complaint of you. Invite the pain, hear the pain, and don’t react; instead, thoughtfully respond.

Show them you can honor them. It takes a mature person to do that. Listening well can restore you partner’s trust. When they feel valued and heard, you will restore affection and trust over time.

God has blessed me with an enthusiasm and zest for life. But what makes my joy complete is sharing life with those I love. In fact, brain research affirms us that joy is the fruit of connection.

Joy can only be experienced when you are in a safe and intimate relationship. Through repair, we can re-establish safety and the joyful connection we are designed for.

I hope this Valentine’s Day will be a time for you to make amends to any relationship that needs repair, especially your marriage.

I am so grateful for my life partner, my wife-Karla. She makes my life FULL –she is my Valentine!

This weekend, consider attending our bi-annual Couple’s Workshop in Fairhope, AL to jumpstart your restoration and experience real and lasting change in your marriage.

Phil Hardin works as a Licensed Professional Counselor and Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist with Hardin Life Resources practicing in both Jackson, MS and Fairhope, AL.

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