Top 5 Reasons We Don't Set Boundaries

“Every relationship needs limits to grow…so why is setting them so hard?”

By Audrey Hardin, MS LPC

By Audrey Hardin, MS LPC

When I know I need to set a boundary in one of my relationships, I tend to try every other option before directly communicating what I need. Anyone else?

I’ve gone through phases of being boundary-less to boundary-aware to a boundary-nazi and every day, I feel closer to finding a healthy boundary-balance. Through it all, I’ve noticed that there is a common thread that keeps us from following through with communicating and enforcing boundaries.  

FEAR.

You know that moment after you’ve set a limit with someone and the room goes silent? They huff, roll their eyes, sink into their chair…or even fight back. But there is a moment after you have spoken directly, clearly, and bravely that you must wait for the other’s response.

So why set them if they’re so hard?

Many of us can believe that when we set boundaries, it will hurt the relationship, but in all actuality, we are communicating our needs and limits in order to preserve the relationship.

A boundary is like a fence around your house. It keeps what is yours protected and keeps the “bad” out.

Boundaries are modeled for us by God himself, so we know they’re good for us. But we can resist setting them after we’ve experienced a wound in our relationships.

We were designed for love and connection, fellowship with one another. Our brains are wired to seek safe attachments to meet those needs through a parent, relative, friend, or spouse. The competing reality, though, is that our world is fallen, people are broken, and we hurt each other. 

When we have relational wounds, we innately do whatever we can to avoid experiencing that pain again. If it was created by someone withholding love from us, we may vow to never withhold love from anyone because we don’t want them to hurt as we did. If it was created by someone becoming angry with us when we didn’t perform to their expectation, we will work to keep others happy.

When someone close to us hurts us or models for us conditional love, we try to prevent that pain by either shutting people out or letting others in too easily.
Either way, we live our lives in fear that the wound will happen again, and we will never get the connection and love we so long for.

None of us are immune to making choices out of fear.

However, when we identify our fears in relationships and where they come from, we gain power to overcome them, set boundaries, and grow.

So here are 5 common reasons why we may fear setting boundaries and the truth you need to know to set you free.

1. FEAR OF LOSING LOVE

We fear rejection, abandonment, and emotional cut-offs. We can see love as an exchange, a “tit-for-tat” –If I mess up or let you down, you will abandon me. If I do for you, you will do for me and if I don’t, you won’t love me.

TRUTH: If someone threatens leaving or rejecting us because we lovingly set a limit with them, this may indicate their love and respect for us was conditional on how we complied with their desires. We want to surround ourselves with those who will value us as we value them.

 As Christians, we have the security that NOTHING could EVER separate us from the LOVE of God.

2. FEAR OF LONELINESS

We fear losing companionship or potential relationship with others and don’t set boundaries so we can end our loneliness. We compromise.

TRUTH: Better to choose quality relationships over quantity –and if they’re not available at the time, wait. In the end, a couple of lonely seasons deepen our character and save us unnecessary heartache.

As Christians, loneliness is not our enemy. It is a tool that the Lord uses to draw us closer to him and reveal his deep love for us. It is in some of my loneliest times that He has revealed his “enough-ness” for me.

 “As Christians we are called to convert our loneliness into solitude. We are called to experience our aloneness not as a wound but as a gift –as God’s gift –so that in our aloneness we might discover how deeply we are loved by God.” - Henri Nouwen

3. FEAR OF ANGER

An angry reaction can be enough to send some of us over the edge. The potential of someone being mad at us will keep us from standing firm.

TRUTH: NO ONE likes to be told no or experience disappointment. This reality will help prepare us to expect resistance when we set a boundary. By sticking to your limit and riding the wave of anger or disappointment, you reinforce your value by not compromising and you demonstrate to the other that they can handle their disappointment and adjust accordingly.

“A person with great anger bears the penalty; if you rescue him, you'll have to do it again.” Proverbs 19:19

4. FEAR OF HURTING OTHERS

If I say “no” it will hurt their feelings and I don’t want to do that. I don’t want to be labeled as “mean.”

TRUTH: There is a difference between hurt and harm. The boundary may “hurt” their feelings just like a trip to the dentist to get a cavity repaired may hurt –but it’s the act of ignoring the cavity that causes harm to your entire body.

Setting limits with those we love keeps others and us from ultimate harm and destruction. We see this in the life of Jesus, who took time to go away and pray even though he was surrounded by a multitude of needs.

We also see this in a Biblical depiction of relationships. “Do not reprove a scoffer, or he will hate you, Reprove a wise man and he will love you.” Proverbs 9:8

5. FEAR OF BEING MISUNDERSTOOD

Whether it’s being seen as selfish, ungrateful (to others who have given to you), or unkind, we will give-in to avoid being misunderstood.

TRUTH: Find your team that know you, respect you, and have your back. When you have at least one other person in your corner, being misunderstood by others doesn’t have the same sting.

The Lord understands even when the world does not. The reality of living as Christ-followers on this earth is that just as He was, we will be misunderstood, even by fellow believers. The key is remembering that He is our defender and judge, not the world.

 When we zoom out from our fear and remind ourselves of what is true, we can live the life that God designed for us –a FREE one. Free from fear.

Let me invite you to zoom out of your fears today and soak in these truths, so you too can live freely!

“The fear of man brings a snare, But he who trusts in the LORD will be exalted.” Prov. 29:25

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Audrey Hardin is a Therapist, Speaker, and Workshop Leader at Hardin Life Resources in Dallas and McKinney, TX.

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