"I’d Like You More If You Were More Like Me"...2020: Living in a Polarized Culture
“Consider three ways to restore civility and connection in a culture that seems to have lost sight of one central truth.”
By Philip K. Hardin, MDiv, LMFT, LPC
By Philip K. Hardin, MDiv, LMFT, LPC
What a great title! I stole it from John Ortberg’s book by the same title. It’s the book we will use this week on our Men’s Coaching Adventure to Arkansas.
Ortberg’s book is about intimacy. It may seem strange that I would be leading a men’s retreat and have assigned a book on intimacy. And yet I think you can see from these few quotes why it is relevant to all of life:
“We deeply desire intimacy. We want to be loved, to be liked, to be celebrated, to have someone who accepts us no matter what.”
“We not only want intimacy; we were made for it”.
“I believe God uses our relationships with other people to teach us how to love him.”
Though I stole the title from Ortberg - the subtitle is mine.
I am disturbed by how polarized our culture has become. All topics—politics, Covid-19, religious service, or even football, seem to be addressed with defensiveness, reactivity, rigidity, dogmatism, and judgement.
Rather than talking about subjects in order to learn, grow, and connect, we seem to be yelling at one another: “I’d like you more, if you were more like me”.
We have lost our ability to have conversation.
Social media seems to be used more as a megaphone than a resource to be heard, to be understood, and to connect.
What happened to respect, validation, and curiosity as skills to connect with others, learn from another’s perspective, and seek wisdom for our lives? (James 3:13)
I want to live a life that believes in the dignity of life. That means that whatever subject is being addressed, we can discuss with mutual respect and care for another human being.
Daniel Darling is vice president for communications for the Ethics and Religious Liberty Commission. He said this in a recent interview in World magazine:
“Human dignity is not self- determined. Your dignity is not defined by the way people think of you nor how they affirm you. Your dignity is given to you by your Creator; whether you acknowledge that or not.”
I believe that we should be able to talk about any topic without yelling, becoming defensive, or offended. That is only possible when we respect and value another person and value them as Image Bearers of God.
Understanding human dignity allows us to be free to debate, discuss, and explore all topics without being polarized—personally offended or offending the other person. I can disagree without insult to the other or “getting my feelings hurt.”
Our behavior depends on virtue of character. Virtue means to have high character, moral strength, goodness, courage, and excellence. It is tied to a sense of human purpose.
Without an external, objective source of meaning and purpose - we are left with only our internal and subjective feelings.
Therefore, our brains become hijacked by our emotions and feelings, we become overwhelmingly informed and driven by them.
Being ruled by our emotions will certainly insure a loss of character.
Simple wisdom was offered to me years ago by a mentor. He instructed in having three categories for all subjects. We all have opinions, beliefs, and convictions.
We all have OPINIONS.
I have opinions about anything and everything, even things that I know little about. Opinions are like noses, everybody has one.
We all have BELIEFS.
Secondly, beliefs are based on some reasonable degree of knowledge or research. I have read and studied for that belief. However, because I am always willing to learn and compromise, I am willing to listen and change my beliefs when I get more understanding.
We all have CONVICTIONS.
Thirdly, convictions are life and death issues. I am willing to die for my convictions. I should have few convictions.
Polarization occurs when everything seems to be a conviction.
These three categories have helped me stay flexible, teachable, and respectful of others.
Incivility has become a chronic condition of our culture. As a consequence, the resolution of many of our most vexing problems has virtually ceased in favor of “one-upmanship” or being “right”.
The net result is diminished productivity and the avoidance of responsive decision making.
In the place of productive dialogue leading to solutions, we observe political figures, members of the media, and others talking past each other as opposed to speaking with each other.
Often their statements and attitudes are so rigid and antagonistic that future compromise becomes impossible. This leads to polarization and inertia.
We need to restore civility.
I ask you to practice these three steps to restore civility and even find intimacy with others:
1. Welcome.
We place mats at our doorstep and signs that welcome visitors to our communities and homes. Welcome means that we genuinely want you to feel accepted and valued. I hope you feel welcomed in my presence.
2. Validation.
Even if we disagree, I can value and respect your viewpoint. Validation does not mean “I agree” or “Disagree” but expresses a value of respect on your viewpoint because it belongs to you. We need to practice mutual respect for one another and viewpoints on whatever the subject.
3. Connection.
I value human connection more than being right. It does not mean that I can’t hold to my own beliefs or convictions. I do know what I believe and why I believe what I believe. However, I value the connection to another as an Image Bearer of God more than being right. Even if we disagree, I want to respect you. I truly can have a relationship with you even if we don’t agree.
I do seek intimacy, even if you are different from me. I thank God for YOU!
Starting today, we can take back our culture when we become personally anchored in our character which is fueled by our higher purpose here on earth. We can change man’s history when we see one another as image-bearers of God!
Ride ON!
Phil
Phil Hardin works as a Licensed Professional Counselor and Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist with Hardin Life Resources practicing in both Jackson, MS and Fairhope, AL.
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