Book Review: "Untangled: Guiding Teenage Girls through the Seven Transitions into Adulthood"
“There is a predictable pattern to teenage development, a blueprint for how girls grow. When you understand what makes them tick, you can easily guide instead of fight.”
By Guest Contributor, Emily Patterson, LICSW, PIP
By Guest Contributor, Emily Patterson, LICSW, PIP
“Why is my preteen daughter suddenly so moody all the time?”
“Why is my teenage daughter always calling me in a total meltdown over minor issues? She’s interrupting me every day at work.”
“My daughter’s friend wrote some very explicit stories in a journal and gave it to my daughter. I’m worried she might be engaging in some risky behavior with an older guy. Do I call the girl’s mom to let her know?”
“My daughter disclosed to me that she has a girlfriend. I always want to be there for her, but we’re really uncomfortable with same-sex relationships. I know her dad will absolutely flip out.”
TEENAGE GIRLS…
Something that has struck fear into the hearts of moms and dads for pretty much all of history. The brain’s function, wiring and capacity begins undergoing some major reconstruction during the teenage years, and it results in some baffling behavior.
Most parents busy themselves with preparing for the worst as their daughters’ edge closer to age 13. What usually comes as a big shocker is that adolescence and all its pitfalls is showing up A LOT earlier in their daughters.
As early as 9 years old, or approximately 4th grade, you may begin to see a subtle shifting in some girls away from “little kid” activities, and onto a weird, hybrid of childhood and pre-teen thinking. At this age, girls begin to develop greater sensitivity to external vs. internal cues: their focus begins shifting from primary focus on family to primary focus on peers.
They become more attentive to media messages and become more easily swayed by the messages they’re receiving. Much of this shift is so subtle that it happens right under your nose, and it doesn’t coalesce into what you’d recognize as adolescence until 12 or 13. By the time they get to full blown adolescent behavior, we’re totally overwhelmed!
As Christian parents,
we are given not only the task of keeping our children alive and well till adulthood, but also the daunting command to “train up our children in the way they should go” (Prov. 22:6).
During the teenage years, they often seem to head in every possible direction EXCEPT “the way they should go.” Unfortunately, the Bible doesn’t offer us specific advice on parenting teens.
Besides the fact that the culture of biblical times was radically different, and the shorter life expectancy before the era of modern medicine, “adolescence” wasn’t even a recognized developmental stage until the 1940s-1950s.
A couple of samples of the limited verses we were given about parenting and relationships can be found in the following:
“Parents, do not provoke (some texts: ‘exasperate’) your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.” (Eph. 6:4),
and “Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.” (1 Cor. 13:4-7)
The question on the mind of every parent in my office is, “How can we do this with our teen daughters who seem to bounce in and out of ‘irritable or resentful’ and ‘arrogant or rude’?” –or maybe even—“The exasperation and provocation is already at peak levels! I’ve tried everything. What else can I do?”
When I think back on my adolescence, I remember feeling misunderstood by my parents (and most other adults) most of the time. I was annoyed by their rules and expectations, just as much as they were exasperated by my occasional failures to follow them.
What was most exasperating for everyone in the house was that in their earnest struggle to teach me right from wrong, we just didn’t “GET” each other.
[Thankfully,] Child Psychology Has Come a Long Way…
Fortunately for us in the last 15 years, child psychology has shed a lot of light on the baffling era of adolescence. We can combine the truths of the Bible with the knowledge that modern psychology and neuroscience can offer. It is possible to enjoy the challenge of raising your daughter into a happy, healthy young woman, rather than provoking each other to anger. Taking the time understanding what’s happening inside your daughter’s head and heart can make all the difference.
In her bestselling book Untangled: Guiding Teenage Girls Through the Seven Transitions into Adulthood, Lisa Damour, Ph.D. uses her years of experience counseling teenage girls to demystify this process and explain it to us in a refreshing new way. Damour writes,
“There is a predictable pattern to teenage development, a blueprint for how girls grow. When you understand what makes your daughter tick, she suddenly makes a lot more sense. When you have a map of adolescent development, it’s a lot easier to guide your daughter toward becoming the grounded young woman you want her to be.”
Damour has divided this blueprint into seven developmental “strands” or tasks that girls are striving to conquer on their journey to adulthood. The strands include “Parting with Childhood,” “Joining a New Tribe,” and “Harnessing Emotions,” just to name a few.
As a child/adolescent therapist, I’ve found myself recommending this book to nearly every parent of girls that sets foot in my office. It’s amazing how much relief and validation they have found by learning that their daughter’s wild emotions, romantic melodramas, and so many other issues are signs of normal development that you can categorize.
For those of you out there who are parenting girls, be encouraged! With a new way to understand your daughter, the teenage years don’t have to be a tangled mess.
Read “Untangled” here.
For additional reading on teenage development for both boys and girls, check out The Teenage Brain: A Neuroscientist’s Guide to Raising Adolescents and Young Adults by Frances E. Jensen MD.
Emily Patterson works as a Licensed Clinical Social Worker and Counselor with Joyworks Counseling, LLC in Daphne, AL.
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