Tips for Dealing with Sibling Conflict
COVID-19 and Summer create more opportunities for conflict AND resolution. Learn how to make it count!
By Guest Contributor, Emily Patterson, LICSW, PIP
By Guest Contributor, Emily Patterson, LICSW, PIP
The internet is filled right now with helpful hints about parenting during a pandemic. We’re being told to be patient, find some opportunities to take time for yourself, pay attention to regression in children, and recognize signs of stress in the household. Are we doing any of those things? Who knows!
Between constant interruptions during “work time,” helping kids with school work, and preparing them three meals per day (and an endless number of snacks in between), we’re just as exhausted as ever.
On the bright side, we tell ourselves to enjoy this season of quality time and family togetherness. But you know who doesn’t seem to be consistently enjoying this family togetherness? SIBLINGS.
As I’ve continued providing counseling services via telehealth to kids and families during the month of April, what I’m hearing as a major frustration across the board is a burgeoning epidemic of good ole sibling rivalry. If you feel like your home has recently turned into a war zone and you’re tired of being the referee, you’re in good company!
Sibling conflict is nothing new, and has been giving parents grey hair literally since the beginning of recorded history. The Old Testament is full of examples of sibling relationships gone sour: Cain and Abel, Jacob and Esau, Joseph and his brothers, just to name a few.
To be honest, I can’t say that my young daughters haven’t had moments of contemplating murder, tricking one into giving away birth rights, or selling each other into slavery… all over who’s stuff is whose, what to watch on TV, or who smacked who first!
Before you end up with a sibling rivalry story of Biblical proportions, here are a few suggestions to incorporate to help ease some of the tension.
The following strategies help encourage empathy, fairness and respect, which are foundational blocks for building bonded healthy relationships.
Provide opportunities for time apart as often as possible.
Siblings are used to having at least 6 hours apart daily when school is in session. Rely on the other parent, grandparents, or any other trusted adults with whom you’re maintaining contact with to take kids individually for some special one on one time.
Ensure that siblings’ shared time together always has safe boundaries and age-appropriate supervision.
Be proactive. Make sure that the kids understand the consequence that certain behaviors will have before they happen, rather than being reactive and having to think up consequences on the spot. For example, if they can’t agree on a movie to watch and it results in too much arguing, tell them they need to work it out or the TV will be turned off.
As far as supervision goes, make sure whoever is responsible has the skills to manage a conflict effectively. Often older siblings might be great babysitters, but overseeing siblings who are struggling with a particularly tough relationship might be above their pay grade.
Assign jobs or tasks where they can work together, taking in consideration each person’s strengths.
An example would be making a garden: the child who likes physical activity would break the ground or fill pots with soil, while the other would plant seeds and water the plants. Together they would check on the plants’ progress and share in the success of growing a garden.
Restorative justice
This can be used in conflicts where an individual who is feeling wronged determines what the other person needs to do to make that situation right with them. An example would be if a brother stole and broke his sister’s toy. The sister could ask her brother to do her chores, fix the toy, or earn money by completing household chores to replace it. The parent can have a list of chores that they need completed for this purpose.
Mediation
Mediation is another way to resolve conflict. Each individual gets an uninterrupted opportunity to tell their side of the story, then the other person is allowed to respond to their concern. Each child then states what he/she can personally do to fix the problem, and what he/she needs from the other person. Together, they problem solve ways to prevent the conflict from re-occurring.
Marble Jar
Using a marble jar is a way to incentivize positive sibling interactions. Any time a family member is kind, helpful, supportive or positive toward another member, a marble is placed in the family marble jar. Once the marble jar is full, the family does a fun activity. This can also be adjusted for use between struggling siblings: they can earn a reward for filling their jar with positive interactions.
With so much extra time at home, it’s a great time to work on building the bonds between your children. The relationship you build today will last a lifetime.
Have fun and be creative!
Emily Patterson works as a Licensed Clinical Social Worker and Counselor with Joyworks Counseling, LLC in Daphne, AL.
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